I’m going to let you into a secret (not a very well kept one) I was divorced before I was thirty. At the time my life imploded it felt like a complete tragedy and it sometimes still feels painful if I’m honest. I vowed I would never open myself up and marry again.
One month ago, I did that very thing.
I approached marriage differently this time. I suppose I felt differently because my beloved and I have our almost one year old cub together. It was far more functional than fairytale, but somehow it was romantic in a realistic way.
For the last ten years I’ve been haunted by the soundtrack of my last wedding, literally. I remember diligently compiling a playlist of my favourite songs and most romantic movie soundtracks and packaged them all on to a CD marking it “Wedding Playlist” with my neatest Sharpie handwriting. I chose the Feather Theme from Forrest Gump for guests arriving, I walked down the aisle to the Love Theme from Romeo & Juliet and our first dance was to Nat King Cole “When I fall in love, it will be forever”. Cue eye-rolling irony. Any time I’ve heard the songs since, they cut like a dagger through the heart, reopening old wounds and the tears well yes they still roll. I’ve tried so hard to let it go, but it’s a tough thing to do when you loved someone so deeply.
This time around, I began thinking things would be different and of course I wanted to find music that would tell the story of where I am now, where we are now in our life together as a family of three bears. So what did I do? I chose a whole new playlist of songs (I didn’t learn) and can you guess what happened? The universe conspired to press mute and not one single song from my volume two playlist was heard at our wedding! First up we “legally married” at the registry office at Leeds Town Hall and there was a mess up with the music. So the official asked what music would I like to have playing and the hubby’s sister had volunteered to download the track to her phone! It all became too complicated and felt contrived after we’d agreed that the civil ceremony would just be a simple, no frills event. So the music got jilted last minute.
The next day, we made our promises under the apple tree at home in front of our closest family and friends. I had tasked my now-hubby with making sure the soundtrack was playing in the background as guests arrived, setting a romantic ambience for the expectant gathering. Guess what? He forgot! I’m not kidding. Every cell of my perfectionist body dissolved into meltdown mode. I’m not going to lie my head became like the “angry” emoticon, all red faced and furrowed brows. There was an entire dialogue of expletives that my mind began to automatically generate. The truth is, inadvertently it’s the best thing he could have done. I now don’t attach such a heavy burden of emotional responsibility and memories to a piece of music which had the potential to make me melancholy or morose in the future. I’m not suggesting that I think our marriage will fail and I’d be forced to hear a sad soundtrack forever more, I just mean that it’s not healthy to attach such significance to our wedding music! That said, I did have one piece of music that played as I walked to the apple tree and it was Tom Odell’s cover of Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colours” because the lyrics formed part of the ceremony. Sorry not sorry for this being the main event. It speaks to my soul and really connects us so it had to be…