This morning I had a real child-like feeling of woe and frustration. I was wondering why do I bother blogging? If I dig into the soil of my discontent with my dirty little polished finger nails I would guess I was feeling uncomfortable with the rush of validation I get when someone likes my social media, clicks a link or makes a comment on one of my posts. I really had to check in with myself to reach an honest answer as to why it felt good. Why does the approval of others matter so much to me? I’ve had therapy for years…and surprise one of my big issues is I’m a massive people pleaser! Yoga and my fellowship have given me the tools to no longer seek external validation so why do I continue in this vein? Do I need to withdraw from all unhealthy online interactions in order to have a digital awakening? I fully believe that everything is found within and I am constantly working on the affirmation “I am enough” but it sometimes seems as though having great self-awareness just isn’t enough.
To justify to myself why I write posts on here at all, I concluded that I enjoy the sense that I’m leaving a residue of existence…wow, heavy stuff! It’s a feeling of having physical proof or evidence that I’m here, I exist, that people are listening, looking and searching as I am. Let’s face it, there’s a lot of bloggers out there and I could just as easily write a self-help journal. I know many bloggers are looking to make money from their content and reach strategic milestones, they employ tactics to engage and encourage people to click on advertising and via collaborations and sponsorships with brands. Maybe they are the alpha spiders sitting in their intricate, freshly spun webs expertly catching the freshest flies. Whereas I feel like I’m the survivor spider that lurks in a little hole, afraid to come out and I hang my shabby web out everyday, I air my laundry…I’m vulnerable and exposed.
I know my life purpose is writing and creative expression and that feels an authentic and pure intention but I find it tricky to stay on track. How do I stay motivated on my path and have the self-discipline to write everyday? Your answers are welcome on a WordPress postcard and should be addressed to the “Writer Within”. Sometimes it all feels a bit daft, why do I bother, what’s the point, other’s are smarter, more articulate…etc. These negative blocks are my saboteurs attempting to keep me stuck but boy do they do a good job of convincing me I’m hopeless, it’s pointless, it’s foolish, my work isn’t good enough and so on and so on.
I assume most people have these same feelings and emotions, I’d be very interested to hear from you if you do?Do you relate? It can be quite vulnerable admitting and acknowledging our defects of character, so people declaring “me too” feels comforting. Is this my ego craftily carving out a case for further validation?! Ha, probably. It’s too smart my mind, always one step ahead of the game…so please don’t comment or like this post or else it’s a complex validation cycle that will baffle me further! Gah, can you see why I feel frustrated?!